Magazine Cover Of The Year
Five Bummers
05 Tower Records files for bankrupcy.
04 The Darkness split up.
03 Chef�s death on South Park was unfortunately not very funny.
02 Bob Barker retires.
01 Sly Stone�s all-too-brief comeback.
4 Dysfunctional TGIF Alumni (2006 Version)
01 Jodie Sweetin (Crystal meth addiction)
02 Jaimee Foxworth (Porn)
03 Darius McCrary (HIV)
04 Mary-Kate Olson (Bulemia)
4 TGIF Alumni Who Are Still Rocking Hard (2006 Version)
01 Stamos (Life doesn�t get much better.)
02 Saget (Game show host? WTF??!?)
03 Reg Vel (Now planning his enormous 2007 comeback)
04 Bronson Pinchot (Star of such films as Borat)
2007�s Most Expected (And Dreaded) Comeback
I really love to hate Britney Spears. Until she got knocked up last year, she remained the one star who more than anyone else achieved her status by being sneaky and manipulative and lying to the public about pretty much every last aspect of her personal life, so that the gossip and controversy would ignite the tabloid press and ultimately give her album sales a massive push. She created her own storm by never telling the full-on truth. The Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Madonna all ended up in the press for their own controversies, except theirs were not based on manipulation. These artists were all, for the most part, honest to the public during their heyday. Was it really that big of a deal for Britney to tell the world she was dating Just Timb? When Madonna was dating Sean Penn, she was like �yeah, I�m dating Sean Penn.� And that was the end of it. Some call Britney�s tactic a genius scam. I call it an unfair and cruel way to abuse music fans.
More so than this, however, I love to hate Britney Spears for this reason: Had her parents decided to sign her up for cheerleading instead of dance classes, someone else would have ended up singing her songs, and Britney would now be an obese, middle-class, redneck slob, downing her fourth bag of chips for the evening and pressing the grease into her portable phone as she continues dialing over and over again to vote for her favorite American Idol. There are probably over a million American girls who can sing better, who are better looking, who dance better, who are charismatic (unlike Britney), and who probably would have been a lot more sincere. Some other doe-eyed blonde with big tits could have done the job better than she did, and that is a scientific fact.
So now Britney Spears hasn�t released a single since �My Prerogative,� which I believe was around November 2004, which really isn�t even that long ago. Her status in the tabloids is still enormous and probably bigger than anyone else in the world right now. (See #16 in �Trends Of The Year.�) And yet, MTV and the media keep asking, �can she make a comeback?�
Are people ever going to understand that in order to make a comeback, at some point or another, you need to DISAPPEAR? Like, let�s say DMX releases the biggest album of his career in 2007. Now THAT would be a comeback. If Chinese Democracy somehow becomes bigger than Use Your Illusion, that would be one hell of a comeback. The term �comeback� has been abused to the point where people think releasing a new album entails a comeback. Unless you release albums every 6 years like Michael Jackson or Nine Inch Nails, this is totally untrue.
I am considering Britney's current cultural status to be approximately the same as Madonna in 1991, a year in which she did not release any new music, but rather she release a book called Sex and a movie called Truth Or Dare, both of which were strange and interesting entities in their own right. Britney�s marriage and meltdown were not intended to be controversial, but they were anyway, because people are always going to care about her. In a way, she has achieved her dream of becoming the next Madonna (although as Howard Stern mentioned on January 2nd, she�s closer to being the next Liza Minnelli), and it was only over the course of the last year that this was made official. There is no way in fucking hell she is not going to have some sort of hit record at some point in 2007 (unless she decides to stop making music, which is not going to happen because she is psychologically dependant upon 2 things: #1 cocaine, and #2 attention). And there�s a pretty good chance that her next record will include at least one song (probably one of the potential singles) that �might� be about K-Fed, but she doesn�t want to say for sure. She relies on mystery and controversy to sell her records, and she will likely continue along the same path, since she doesn�t know how to do anything else.
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