Taste My Kids Presents: The Best And Worst Of 2006 (Part Five)

Today, we discuss noteworthy music that wasn't good enough for the "best" lists and wasn't bad enough for the "worst" lists, just so we can make extra sure no one's forgotten. And this is the only portion of the "Best of the year" crap that is entirely based on my own opinion.

The Most Overrated Music Of 2006
Each year it seems to get worse. Bands are praised as "brilliant" or "important" who are simply not worthy. The Arctic Monkeys seem to have been hyped in the U.S. for very strange reasons. This hype was great enough to land this very new and very U.K.-friendly band a musical-guest spot on SNL. Similar undeserving hype surrounded bands like Hard-Fi, Editors, Kasabian and Wolfmother, and eventually spread to include awkwardly named bands such as She Wants Revenge and We Are Scientists. KT Tunstall somehow managed to garner comparisons to Dido, although her annoyance-level nearly matches Paula Cole (an artist whose shelf-life will likely prove similar). And don't forget Destroyer, whose Destroyer's Rubies LP was practically nothing compared to frontman Daniel Bejar's previous work in The New Pornographers. In addition to these, the following 5 artists acquired more undeserved hype than all the rest...

Panic! At The Disco (LP: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out)
This band bothers me for many reasons. I will list a few of those reasons here...

#1 It's supposed to be uncool if you appear to be trying too hard. (This is pretty much the main theme for all of these points.)

#2 I am disturbed by the growing emphasis on dramatic elements in today�s alt-rock. I�m not sure what high school these dudes recently graduated from, but as far as I know, the intersection of goth kids and drama kids is not a common occurrence. You can�t just throw theatrics and dance routines into your stage performance without considering how to lessen the doucheiness. The Rocky Horror Picture Show does NOT need a revival. Tool does this the right way, because they significantly darkened their theatrics. Ziggy Stardust and Freddie Mercury did it the right way, because they were both geniuses with the ability to crank up the gayness to 11 and still have it seem insanely cool. P! At The D is entitled to put on whatever kind of show they want, but it doesn�t deserve the high marks it receives.

#3 Nothing with this band is ever imperfect, right down to the flawless crystal-clear production. Every radio single wants desperately to be an anthem. And there is absolutely no subtlety, leaving very little for the imagination of the listener. Had it not been for difference in subtlety, the void they�re filling could have just as easily been handed to a band like Of Montreal. It�s not like they�re any less gay. Both bands also use the �lengthly song titles� gimmick, but Of Montreal�s titles are actually interesting and creative. And their lyrics are very good, unlike P!ATD.

#4 Their music is really not as exciting as everyone is making it out to be. I�m not sure how people consider their songs catchy. They currently have four tracks in rotation on Sirius 21 so that they can be played hourly without it seeming too repetitive. Out of those four songs, there is currently only one whose melody line I can recall. I would give the song�s title now, but I can�t remember what it�s called because they have the worst song titles ever. I would write out a line of the song�s lyric, but none of their lyrics are memorable. If I�m not mistaken, the word "exactly" is used a few times in the chorus, and there�s some gay little part towards the end where the words "in this place" show up without any instruments under it. Their supposed "catchiness" is probably the most overrated aspect about them.

#5 The song I�m referring to in reason #4 includes an accordion, which is reminding me of how sick I�ve become of bands who think that "crazy" and "unconventional" instrumentation immediately gives their music depth. Sorry teens, but that�s not the case, and it�s not original. It isn�t fair when a band of teenagers can have access to the combined instrumentation of Sgt. Pepper and Pet Sounds on their debut fucking album. If youth culture is supposedly so great at detecting insincerity, then how come nobody has picked up on this?

Dragonforce (LP: Inhuman Rampage)
You may not have known this, but Dragonforce is actually Journey. No, seriously. They are the exact same band, except Dragonforce�s drummer plays those droning unemotional deathmetal drums all the time. That�s really the only difference. I�m actually kind of angry that deathmetal drums became trendy this year, especially since now it seems that zero kids are training to be jazz drummers, which usually sounds much nicer and has become completely underrated. Dragonforce�s songwriting is fucking inane and reeks of 2006. That is to say, it doesn�t hold up with repeated listens, it doesn�t sound authentic, and it has really lame over-the-top melodies that want very badly to sound like hair-metal. I don�t even get a sense of novelty or irony out of it. These gentlemen are VERY serious about their horribly shitty music. They are probably the worst metal band in the world right now, and I consider this and probably most other music in whatever metal subgenre it falls to be utterly unlistenable. (Oh yeah, I think the subgenre is "power-metal." Gay.)

Joanna Newsom (LP: Ys)
Like Bjork, she is a Keebler Elf, which I�m sort of into. But eventually, she will start singing. I can really only take her singing in small doses, which is difficult when your album only has 5 tracks and none of them are shorter than 7 minutes... And none of the songs have any discernable chorus or refrain... And in the end, it turns out to be another one of those poetry-to-music records. In due time, I�d be willing to bet this album is not particularly rewarding. God I hate lyrics. Enough with lyrics already. Lyrics are beyond overrated in 2006. Melody is dead. What is wrong with you people??

Beyonce (LP: B'day)
This is an unfortunate case. Beyonce seems to have lost her magic. She sang on some of the most explosive dance tracks of the last 10 years, but her 2006 output barely matches up. And yet, that hasn�t stopped half the girls in the country from switching their ringtones to the annoying-girl-anthem of the year, "Irreplaceable." On a personal note, songs that get stuck in my head as often as "Irreplaceable" are not usually this bad, so that was a rare case for me.

Girl Talk (LP: Night Ripper)
Congratulations to Rolling Stone, SPIN and Pitchfork for placing a CD of cheerleading remixes in their albums of the year. I very, very badly, wanted to include this in my worst lists, except that Night Ripper can hardly be considered an album. Anyone could have been Girl Talk. He is a parasite, and this record is truly undeserving of the term "music." There is no talent at work here that can�t be found in a random mp3 blog of homemade mash-ups. Girl Talk is truly piss and shit. I�m sorry that I fall into the minority of Americans who still have some assemblance of an attention span and who gets bothered by having a different song to listen to every 10 seconds. And Girl Talk is a really bad name. So fuck you.

The Guilty Pleasure Singles Of 2006
I read at least two widely publicized claims in 2006, both stating that the term "guilty pleasure" is essentially an oxymoron. (One of these can be found in Chuck Klosterman IV. I lost the link to the other one.) This notion may be correct to old-fashioned people who are very comfortable with their personal tastes, but that isn't enough to make guilty pleasures an irrelevent concept. Part of the guilty pleasure�s significance lies in how it helps us to shape our tastes and venture into unfamiliar territory. When people let guilt take over, they are usually unable to break the confines of what they think they�re supposed to enjoy. This is why the world�s most boring people will always claim "I like everything but country and rap," which is then sometimes followed by Outkast and Johnny Cash being their acceptions.

(I should stress, just so there�s no confusion, that when a song makes it to #1 on this list, it�s only there because I am embarrassed to enjoy it. These are ranked in order of embarrassment, and not value. An approximate value rating has also been supplied, which ranks using the standard 1 to 10 scale.)

10 "Walk Away" - Kelly Clarkson (4.6)
The great "Since U Been Gone" phenomenon of 2005 was unfortunately not enough to transport Kelly into credibilityland, unlike what Just T managed to accomplish. As such, her song choices have proven as hit-and-miss as with Christina A. "Walk Away" on its own is nothing outstanding, but alongside Breakaway�s other hits, it leaves one a bit curious about her future output (which reportedly includes collaborations with Mike Watt, among others).

09 "Vans" - The Pack (7.3)
The sped-up refrain is corny. There�s not much anyone can do about that. But alas, skating and minimalism is a winning combination. Just deal with it.

08 "Too Little Too Late" - Jojo (4.8)
Jojo's hit song "Leave" from 2004 would have been a nice one-hit-wonder. Luckily, she hasn�t released any truly annoying singles just yet, although the success of "Too Little Too Late" increases the possibility that more hit singles are on the way, which in turn increases the chance of future annoyance. She�s too young to not have a shitty single on the way. I mean it�s not like she�s Hanson.

07 "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage" - Panic! At The Disco (6.0)
Had it not been for the 30-second samples at Amazon.Com, I would have had to label this as "that one Panic! At The Disco song that is sort of okay," which would have confused people since this describes the blandness of all their music. The songs all seem to have one part that is catchy and mildly rockin�, in this case, the chorus. This particular chorus is the least annoying part of any of their radio tracks, although not good enough to make the rest sound any less annoying. It�s always frustrating to hear a nice chorus awkwardly sandwiched between two inappropriate verses. I can�t get into this dude�s voice either, something I forgot to mention earlier.

06 "Gold Lion" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (7.8)
And with that, The YYY�s have recorded their second good song. Congratulations. A lot of people got way into the video for this song, as did I, but mostly because it helped me to realize that Stella has a body double...

I think we have a winner!!

05 "Move Along" - The All American Rejects (7.4) / "It Ends Tonight" - The All American Rejects (7.1)
This band�s singles may be a permanent fixture on my guilty pleasures list, since I�m pretty sure no other rock band has been here 3 times (also appearing in �03 and �05). This presents a compelling notion: Something about this band still suggests insincerity, and I�m fairly sure that something is the production. In 2006, Badfinger or Big Star likely would have opted for a sound as shiny as AAR�s if given the choice, but that doesn�t make it a correct decision. Here�s an idea: Jack White producing AAR�s next album? Sounds like a winner to me. (Keep dreaming...)

04 "Read My Mind" - The Killers (7.3) / "Bones" - The Killers (6.5) / "When You Were Young" - The Killers (8.5)
Whatever happened to the new college-rock explosion that was supposed to happen in 2006? The success of Franz and Modest Mouse was apparently not enough to prove to the PR dudes that alt-rock is still - for better or worse - a profitable commodity. By the end of 2006, this brief mid-decade alt-rock wave sadly became a joke, since it didn�t make any lasting impact. The Killers turned out to be the one band who survived this mini-wave, avoiding the 2-Hit-Wonder tag partially due to their recently realized lack of magazine-cover-awkwardness, fitting in alongside the likes of MCR, P!ATD and FOB. Somewhere around their 3rd SPIN cover, it struck many music fans that The Killers have lost a serious amount of cred on their way to stardom. It also doesn�t help that most of The Killers� best known songs are "growers".* This made it even easier for haters to dismiss Sam�s Town upon its release. Granted, these singles are not as classic as their first 2, but at least they�re better than the abysmal "All These Things That I�ve Done."

"Read My Mind" is actually not a grower.* Rather, it�s The Killers' first immediately catchy single, and there�s a good chance this will be a Top 40 hit sometime in 2007. "Bones" shows them building upon the sound of 2004's Hot Fuss instead of veering into strange directions like some bands tend to do on the follow-up to their breakthrough record (MCR?). And last but not least, "When You Were Young" was the ultimate grower* and thus a quintessential Killers track. It included not only my favorite intro of 2006 (specifically the quick fade-in that�s made to sound like an accident, going into a drum-fill synched up with muted guitar strings, going into the opening riff which begins on a IV chord), but also my favorite Springsteen imitation (specifically the line "He doesn�t look a thing like Jesus.") (And yes, I�m aware that the comparisons to The Boss have become clich� enough to be in "trends of the year" had I expanded the list to 50 trends instead of 25.)

(*In this case, a "grower" is defined as music whose appreciation begins upon the 8th or 9th listen, and sometimes beyond that.)

03 "Rise Up With Fists!" - Jenny Lewis (7.7)
Within a six-week-span early in 2006, Jenny Lewis, Neko Case and Cat Power all released reverb-laden Dusty Springfield-inspired albums. All three records were widely heralded in 2006, though only Neko Case�s was anything truly noteworthy. (I personally find The Greatest to be Cat Power�s least interesting record to date, preferring the quiet and complex isolation of Moon Pix or The Covers Record.) As for Jenny Lewis, a lot of the songwriting on her Rabbit Fur Coat LP tends to borrow its sound from either Elvis Costello�s ballads or various alt-country affiliates. "Rise Up With Fists!" mixes a little of both, and stands as a better song than anything she has recorded with Rilo Kiley as well as her best solo track, with its pleasant arrangement and Jenny�s effortlessly delicate vocals. (I usually don�t like songs that sound like this, so that�s why it�s embarrassing.) I suppose my one complaint regarding this song lies in the awkwardly placed refrain of "There but for the grace of God go I," but after a few listens, it becomes less distracting. Also, the video (guest starring Sarah Silverman) was too strange for this type of song.

02 "Yo (Excuse Me Miss)" - Chris Brown (7.0)
An even better paranthetical title would have been "MTV Raps." I joke because that�s what this song is. It�s a joke. Jamie Foxx could have sung this song on In Living Color dressed up as his Wanda character and even though that sketch would make no sense, it would still be considered the greatest sketch ever. So yeah, this song is funny. But more obviously and more importantly, this song sounds how R&B ballads are supposed to sound, without any bad attempts at Timbaland-wannabe minimalism or unnecessary quirkiness to attract listeners. I feel like this is a nice, innocent track for the kids. Ain�t nothin� wrong with that.

01 "Dance Dance" - Fall Out Boy (8.6)
Hear me out now: Last year, I said this was my worst album of 2005, and I stand by what I said. Let it be known that I fucking H-A-T-E this band. (The hyphens signify spelling. That�s right, I hate them so much, they encourage me to spell out words I could just as easily type normally, which are then required to be followed by an unnecessarily long explanation... those cunt bastards.) They are ruining music, whether you believe it or not. In fact, my hatred for this band is drastic enough that it sometimes leads me to claim outrageous opinionated statements that usually end up being true. Here�s an example: "At their best, Limp Bizkit was a better band than FOB ever was." (Okay, I�m reading it over... and... Yeah, that�s true. Wow, imagine that. There�s a band that actually makes me long for Fred Durst�s finer moments.) That fag bassist with the teeth, Pete Whatshisname, is a very confusing rockstar, and I find it bizarre that the singer for this band was not chosen to be the focal point, another aspect that suggests insincerity. So all of this explains why "Dance Dance" is my guiltiest pleasure of 2006... because I hate them, and because they somehow managed to produce a near-perfect pop-punk song. And because it�s so shockingly good, it becomes their most Satanic accomplishment. Its video tried so very hard to suggest both fun and rebellion in the same breath, but instead it ended up being anti-fun, tedious, ugly, difficult, and anything but rebellious. It�s a remarkably shitty video, so bad in fact that it distracted more than a few MTV viewers from understanding anything positive about the song it�s promoting.